from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
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We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
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TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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