the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
