i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
