Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
