Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME