Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.