goodnight i made you a song goodbye
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
