I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
