upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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