Got a toothbrush?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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