I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
