yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
