someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
