Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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