her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
babies were throwing up all over the place
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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