Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My ass is underappreciated
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
