Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
