i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
