I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
