I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize