i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
