Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
