I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
