What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
