My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
