the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
