Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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