I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
