Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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