I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
