I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
