last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
