I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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