You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Randomize
