this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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