I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Four minutes until I can fart!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
