you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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