I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
