i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.