I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
