My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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