party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
