Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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