After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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