im drinking this country out of the recession.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
