and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
