The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
