My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
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dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
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I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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