I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
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Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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