i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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