Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
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Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize