Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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