the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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