you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
