Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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